Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
