i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
