New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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