i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
