Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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