Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
