Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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