Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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