Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
