He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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