DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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