I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
