omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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