Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
