Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
is that a dick in a sweater?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
