Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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