If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
