We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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