i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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