Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
