You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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