Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
