you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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