I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
