dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
everyone is single if you try hard enough
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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