OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
