I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
