dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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