So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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