He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
