You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
vagina is talking i cant
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
