A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize