who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I could fuck to npr.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
