im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize