It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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