If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
