...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize