I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
