Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
