she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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