This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
