You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
