I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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