Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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