Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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