I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
