I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
