just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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