She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
