I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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