There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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