Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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