u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
