do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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