I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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