The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
