i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize