At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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