you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
