is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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